Updated: Dec 24, 2019
I finally took a leap of faith, the size of a mustard seed, a few days before I decided to separate from my then husband. The marriage was doomed from Day 1 and I should have started the annulment process on May 1, 2000, two days after saying, "I do," (April 29, 2000 at Fort Jackson's Chapel) because I really didn't want to. All I had to do was have the courage to say, "no," not show up to the wedding or run back down the aisle faster than my dad had escorted me. He didn't deserve me, but a wedding had been planned, money had been spent and family and friends were excited to attend and participate in this wedding - sadly, I got married.
We drove down to Florida for our honeymoon the Monday following our wedding and got into an argument and I flew back to Columbia, South Carolina solo, with only the clothes on my back and whatever contents were in my purse.
At twelve and half years of marriage, countless prayers that my marriage would work or become a "real" marriage, along with more and more dysfunction, birthing of two children and what was clearly becoming a hostile environment for me and my children - I separated and moved from Bowie, MD to Columbia, SC on October18, 2019. This was a lonnnnnng, very tough decision to make, removing myself and my young children from their home, to a completely new environment, but I had to do it. The home was too dysfunctional. As a matter of fact, it was just a house, because homes are filled with love, laughter and fond memories...those commodities were few and far in between.
I wanted to uproot and leave two years prior, but I was afraid of the uncertainties. Can I make alone? Can I financially care for me and two young children? Is this permanent or temporary...will I return at the drop of an apology and promise to "do better" and subject myself and children to more dysfunction? Will I have a strong support system? CAN. I. DO. THIS? Faith, the size of a mustard seed, said that I could. I did.
Staying in that dysfunctional environment would not have only further scar myself mentally and emotionally, it would have done the same to my children. They deserved better. I owed it to them, to break the cycle of dysfunction, that I was subjected to as a child. My little girls needed to know that, they had choices and could move forward from any situation. Today, they continue to witness me moving forward. I'm their strongest role model. They need to know that, happiness is a right and not a privilege. They needed to know that, if they are in a situation that constantly makes them sad or angry - break away. I broke that cycle and I'm better now. The consequences were deadly, because I'm sure if I'd stayed in the toxic, hostile environment, I would have eventually taken my life. It was painful and one of the results of that marriage was being diagnosed with major depression. Counseling was my BESTEST friend and life saver. I wish this life for no one. If you're in a situation similar to this and at a breaking point - choose you FIRST.
Breaking points are different for each of us, what is or was your breaking point and what did or will you do to move forward in a positive, productive manner? What are the negative and positive consequences if you choose to stay or leave and which is more important to you and why?